Strange Dreams....

It's been a few days since I've written - not that I haven't thought about it numerous times!  It's been a busy week, and sometimes it's just hard to get to the computer to write something down.  However, I wanted to talk about this dream I had last night.  All week, I've been having a hard time remembering my dreams, which happens sometimes.  I seem to go through these phases where I remember them vividly, then the next week I remember nothing. 

Last night, however, I do remember some bits and pieces that were pretty interesting.  Normally I dream about moving to a new house, or I dream about someone chasing me and me having to figure out how to get away, and sometimes I dream about Tom Selleck.  OK, that was only once, and it was really strange, but we can talk about that another time.  Last night should be written down while I can still remember some of it!

OK, so all I remember is having my little girl and my hubby with me backstage somewhere.  I was getting her dressed, brushing her hair, then realized "oh no! I need to get ready myself!" (This is not odd, in fact, this happens all the time!)  So I ran to my dressing room, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting in a chair on a stage, surrounded by an orchestra.  Oh, there's a flute in my hand.  "OK," I think to myself... "I hope these people didn't pay a lot of money to hear me play this thing!"  Obviously I do not play any instruments.  As I'm thinking this to myself (knowing I'm dreaming) suddenly the "me" in my dream stands up and plays this flute solo quite beautifully.  In fact, as I was playing, I remember thinking to myself "whoa - where did that come from?!" - although I noticed a few mistakes, it didn't seem like the audience noticed.

My solo ended with uproarious applause, and suddenly I was back in my dressing room, taking off the creamy peach-colored dress I had been wearing, when my husband brought me a magazine.  My face was on the cover, and as I sat in surprise, criticizing the picture of myself (as always), he flipped to a long article that was all about me!  It showed pictures of me laughing, dancing, and all I remember is a) I looked like I was in fabulous shape, and b)why would anyone print an article about me.  Who was I?

Ah, but that's the ever-burning question, isn't it.  Who am I?  What am I here for?  Who was I in the past?  It seems for the past couple of years I've been asking myself that non-stop.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is my purpose in this life? 

I've always been musically inclined.  That is, I can sing.  I have no talent whatsoever when it comes to playing any instruments - of course, I never really tried, or had the opportunity to try.  I've been thinking about a piano for a few months now, feeling the urge to learn to play...it seems there is this creative side of me that's been yearning to break free of this corporate business-chick I seem to have morphed into. 

It was my childhood dream to be a singer, and that dream has pretty much come and gone.  The only singing I get to do these days is behind the wheel, or in the shower.  Sometimes I may do some karaoke, but that's not really my thing these days.  Somehow I lost faith in myself, I started to doubt that I had any talent, or that anyone would want to hear me sing, though my memories say quite the opposite.  I miss getting together with the guys I used to create music with; all that seems like a lifetime ago now. 

If this dream taught me anything today, it's that I need to quit being so damn critical of myself.  I'm not sure when or how I became my own worst enemy, but that needs to stop.  Once I do, who knows the amazing things about me I may discover...?

Biker Babe

Wow, what a gorgeous day this has turned out to be!  I think this is the kind of weather we Houstonians wait for all year long.  And finally, it's here!  The sky is a perfect blue, not a cloud in the sky....  There's a slight chill in the air today - it actually feels like fall!  So you know what that means....  That means we're gonna be some motorcycle-ridin' fools this weekend!

Next weekend (Halloween!) is one of the biggest rallies of the year for us.  We try to make the Lone Star Rally in Galveston every year, though last year we missed it due to Hurricane Ike.  We'll spend the entire weekend out there at our friend's beach house, taking in the events, doing some shopping, and of course, sipping on some margaritas whilst doing so. 

My hubby has a 2008 H-D Night Train, blacked out.  He's so proud of that thing.  Of course, every man's motorcycle is a constant work of art in progress, which is why they drag us to these silly shows!  Oh, who am I kidding - I absolutely love it.  And I'll be honest with you - that bike itself has, on many occasions, brought a quick end to many a long, drawn-out argument. 

There's just nothing like getting on your bike on a day like this, cruising the wooded, winding backroads we're so blessed to have so close to our house....  Luckily we live on the northern outskirts of Houston, where there's still a lot of beautiful countryside to be appreciated. There's just something about feeling the wind blow through your hair, the smell of the earth as you pass by the farms, the sun beaming down in a warm caress on your skin, that somehow just makes you forget all your worries....

I love the fact that there seems to be an unspoken brotherhood amongst all of us hooligans that love to ride these beasts so much.  Proper motorcycle etiquette 101:  if you see another rider approaching, be sure to wave!  But don't be all girly about it - generally you can just kinda point downward as you're driving past, sort of a salute to the other guy, as though you're acknowledging each other's sheer awesomeness. 

The first time I rode by myself, I was with my hubby and his dad.  They let me ride out in front, and of course, I got to do the little "point-salute-thing" for the first time as an independent rider.  I felt sooo cool.  We were riding down a country road, I in all my glory, Slade behind  (watching me nervously), when all of a sudden it started to pour.  I didn't care though - I was riding, and for once, not on the back of someone else's Harley.  I had been smiling so big that day, my face was so numb!  I barely felt the sting of the rain as it slapped my cheeks. 

This weekend, however, I'll be on the back of the Night Train, snapping pictures along the way.  I actually don't mind "ridin' bitch," as they call it.  It seems to bring us closer together, and forces me to put all of my trust in him (which for me, is a big deal!)  To be honest, I trust him more on the motorcycle than I do in a car!  But that's another blog for another time.  Right now I'm anxious to get in the car, roll the windows down, open the sunroof and crank that stereo!  I've got a long drive ahead of me tonight....

Relationships can be Tough.

So my new hubby and I got married in August of this year.  We just did it.  He asked me one day, and two months later we ran off to Vegas and just did it.  Of course, it was five years in the making, but when the decision was made, he didn't wait around to let me change my mind!  Smart man.

I seem to have a problem with commitment.  Well, I "seemed to," I should say.  My entire adult life has been a series of failed relationships, not always my fault, but not always their fault either.  I've just never felt like I needed to put up with anyone's BS, and if I wasn't happy, I got out.  Plain and simple.  I guess I watched too many people in my own family wallow in their own misery, and I decided I wanted none of it.  "I would rather be alone!" I told myself. 

Well, obviously that was a lie I told myself hoping I might one day believe it...the truth was, I hated to be alone.  I hated being by myself, not because I was lonely, but maybe because...I was afraid to be?  I discovered I was afraid to be with my own thoughts, afraid of facing my innermost demons all on my own.  And believe me - I had plenty of them.  Rather than face them head-on, I chose to drown them out with lots of alcohol and casual relationships that meant nothing, telling myself all the while that this is how I preferred it.  I chose to keep people at a distance, because that way they couldn't hurt me.  It had become apparent to me that you were always hurt more by those closest to you.  Therefore, if I didn't let anyone in, nobody could really hurt me.  It worked well - for a while, at least.

Then I met "Slade...."  Tall...dark...handsome...ok, handsome doesn't describe him.  This man is fine.  He is everything I ever dreamed of as a little girl (moreso later as a "not-so-little" girl), and then some.  The first night we went out, I spent more time looking into his eyes and hanging on to every word than I did talking about myself (which, for me, is highly unusual!  I am, after all, a huge fan.)  One of the only things I remember from that night, however, was when he said "I still believe in fairy tales."

I really couldn't tell you why that simple phrase cut me to the core as it did, but I left dinner that night thinking there could be something to this guy....  He seemed to have his head on straight, which was a nice change of pace from some of the other guys I had recently seen.  He seemed to have it all...his own business, good looks, snazzy clothes, great sense of humor, sophisticated, good taste in wines....  Something just seemed to click with this one.  And before I knew it, we were attached at the hip, going everywhere and doing everything together.

The first three years, as they say, are usually the hardest - and I can attest to this as fact.  The toughest part for me was dating a guy who, admittedly, did not want kids, and wasn't the kind of guy you'd normally see participating at a soccer game.  Ok, so he wouldn't even go to a soccer game, but you catch my drift.  I felt like I was being torn between being there for my daughter, and being there for him.  This just wasn't going to work.

Eventually, though, he came around and it ended up working itself out.  Once we got to the underlying issues within our relationship - within ourselves - it seemed like everything else just fell into place.  The fact was, we had both come from larger families where we both felt utterly neglected and were, in many ways, abused, and we both had self-esteem issues neither of us had properly addressed.  The more time we spent together, the more these issues seemed to surface, and there were countless times where I just wanted to give in and say "this isn't worth it!"  Yet there was this tiny little voice in the back of my head that kept telling me, "Anything worth keeping is worth working for." 

And so we worked at it. And worked at it...then one day I was at another of my breaking points and I just had to leave.  In four years, I felt, I hadn't had a single day to myself.  Our lives had become so enmeshed, so entangled, that I simply didn't know who I was anymore.  I left one day, with every intention of moving out shortly thereafter.  I just felt I couldn't do it anymore.  I liked who I was - didn't I?  I felt it was so important to maintain my own identity, which seemed nearly impossible when I had no time to just be me.  Suddenly being single again looked so much more appealing. 

I came back the next morning to grab a few things, intending to stay with my girlfriend a little bit longer, when I opened the front door.  He met me at the door, tears in his eyes, and held me so tight, begging me just to stay.  It was obvious he hadn't slept that night...I immediately broke down and just held him on the stairs.  Never in my life had I witnessed anyone being so happy to see me as he was just then. 

Suddenly everything we had been through flashed before my eyes - the good times and the bad - and I realized I wasn't the only one struggling to help him through his issues - he had been struggling to do the same with me, only in all fairness, I have to admit he had been doing a damn sight better than I was.  I realized then that I had been the one in the wrong, that he had been nothing but patient and understanding with me.  I just couldn't see it through my anger. 

Now that the walls had come down, we we able to speak more freely, and have been able to ever since (which is kind of important when you get married, so they tell me!)  We both realized we had been letting our own egos get in the way of our love for each other.  Luckily, we were able to realize this was the problem before we threw our love away. 

I realized I had a hard time vocalizing my needs, and he seemed to have a hard time understanding that I was and always had been highly independent.  His own issues with past relationships needed to be resolved before we could move on, as did my own deep-seeded fear of being controlled.  It has been a tough road, but with open and honest communication, we've been able to get past the darkness and move into the light.

I feel so humbly blessed to have such a strong, pure love in my life, a love that fills me so completely, one that I can feel all around me.  My only wish is that everyone could look inward, and avoid the tribulations I put myself and my family through.  If only I had spent half as much time "being" with and accepting myself as I did trying to run away from myself.... 

A New Beginning

It all started with Myspace in 2004. I was newly divorced and quite lonely at the time, when a friend suggested I sign up. Of course, at first I thought it was a dating website, so I did nothing about it for about four months. When I finally signed up months later, I was hooked! My favorite part? Why, the blogging, of course!

Myspace blogs allowed me to express myself in only the way I can - without fear of scorn or embarrassment, as only those of my closest friends were able to read my blogs. However, as my friend list grew, my blog readers grew as well, and I soon learned that people were actually interested in what I had to say. I had a voice - I had a message, and apparently, people liked the way I was expressing it.

That forward momentum soon came to a screeching halt, however, after the death of my (now) husband's closest friend in March 2007. My last post was a simple one, serving only to advise where we were holding his benefit, and how to get there. For over two years now, I have been silent, unable to bring myself to express any sort of emotion - or is it more, unwilling? That's probably more like it. I have been unwilling to let anyone in, unwilling to open up to another person...

I view my life as a journey for the Truth. I always have, even from the youngest age. I can remember sitting in church, being bullied by my step-mother to pay attention to what the pastor was saying. But for why? He wasn't telling me anything I really needed to know. I didn't feel like he was offering what I was looking for, and I certainly didn't agree with everything that was being taught. Even at that age, I saw through the two-facedness of Christianity. "Love your brother as your neighbor - except when...or except if...unless...." This is true Christianity? What happened to unconditional love? Sure, I always considered myself a Christian - it would be blasphemous not to, right? Besides, the Fear of God had been burned into me, and I was afraid to venture out and have the audacity to to believe anything else. Fear kept me in check - but only just enough. Yet somehow I knew I wasn't getting the full story. My own beliefs, many based on personal experiences, just weren't adding up to what the Church was trying to teach. So I tuned it out, determined to find my own way.

It literally took a brother dying, then a grandmother, then a sister, then a grandfather - all within six months of each other - to somehow set me on the right path. I guess when one is desperately seeking some sort of answers, they'll look for it in some of the most unlikely of places. Somehow I began attracting articles that touched on some "New Age" beliefs, which I didn't pay too much attention to at first. Then, of course, came "The Secret,", which I had to read, because after all, everyone was doing it! It was all the rage. Recently I came across a website which, from my understanding of it, consists of readings channeled from angelic beings. After reading a few of the articles, I have to admit, I suddenly felt a renewed sense of self. A new energy had awakened within me, within my heart! My spark was suddenly back, my zest for life and love had returned, along with some of my creativity. Somehow, some of what I had read resonated within me, as though my entire being recognized what I was reading as the Truth I had been searching so desperately for.

I have to admit, what actually led me to begin reading the articles on this particular site was the fact that I've had these repetitive numbers appearing to me over the past year. It began with a series of three's.... When we moved into our house a year and a half ago is when I really began to notice it. I would look at the clock and see it was 3:33. Or I would see a license plate that had numbers "333" in it. Ordinarily I think of myself as kind of oblivious, not really "tuned in" as you might say. Normally I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts and work that I barely notice anything else going on. But then it started with the 1's as well - I was constantly seeing 1:11 or 11:11 on the clocks, then I began noticing patterns of three's again - there is even a three carved into my fence, believe it or not. I just brushed it off as coincidence - that is, until I started to wake up at 3:33.

Those who know me know I love to sleep. I have to admit, it's probably my second-favorite pastime! Ok, maybe third...but I digress. The point is, when I'm asleep, I'm out for the night and there's not much anyone can do to wake me up or even get me out of bed before 6am. But for about a week I began waking up in what I thought was the middle of the night, only to find the clock read 3:33. That's when I decided to look into this phenomenon and see if there was anything behind it.

I did some googling, and found that I wasn't the only person this had been happening to. I found some websites that talked about ascension, and this being the wake up call for lightworkers, all of which I shrugged off as nonsense. Light workers! Me? What does that even mean, anyway!

Well, all that came and went and I was beginning to get used to the 1's and 3's - when two weeks ago, I started catching all the fives. Suddenly I was waking up at 5:55am, without my alarm even going off. Or I would "happen" to turn on my laptop right at 5:55pm (this actually happened three days in a row). Or I would pass a billboard, or a license plate, or...well, it isn't like me to catch sequential numbers like this, and it became a game. I would tell myself I wouldn't look at the clock until I knew it was well past that time, only to catch it some other way shortly thereafter. It began to pique my interest even more, I have to admit. So I turned back to the trusty ol' internet. After some further digging, I did discover that the repeating numbers are supposed to be a wake up call to our DNA - something about ascending into the fifth dimension? Yeah - I hear you! "What does that even mean?!" There are a lot of websites out there that talk about multi-dimensionality and ascension, which I am only just recently learning about. Apparently the "five" series relates to a New Beginning. From what I gather from all the reading I've done over the last several months, we need to release our fear and take our power. The resonating theme seems to be "Empower Yourself! Empower Each Other!" It's a nice message, admittedly, and one that I can take to heart. However, I still have so many questions.

The one thing that stayed with me after my husband's best friend's death (whom I refer to as my brother, as he was), was that I should not live my life in fear. He never wasted a day of his life because he was afraid of something - which I wish I could say for myself. He truly lived his life to the fullest, and has been an inspiration to me each day to strive to do the same. No longer will I fear my own thoughts, my own voice, for I now truly believe I am here for a reason. I've weathered too many storms to give up now - in fact, I've only just begun. This is my New Beginning. I hope you will join me in taking the first steps!