So my new hubby and I got married in August of this year. We just did it. He asked me one day, and two months later we ran off to Vegas and just did it. Of course, it was five years in the making, but when the decision was made, he didn't wait around to let me change my mind! Smart man.
I seem to have a problem with commitment. Well, I "seemed to," I should say. My entire adult life has been a series of failed relationships, not always my fault, but not always their fault either. I've just never felt like I needed to put up with anyone's BS, and if I wasn't happy, I got out. Plain and simple. I guess I watched too many people in my own family wallow in their own misery, and I decided I wanted none of it. "I would rather be alone!" I told myself.
Well, obviously that was a lie I told myself hoping I might one day believe it...the truth was, I hated to be alone. I hated being by myself, not because I was lonely, but maybe because...I was afraid to be? I discovered I was afraid to be with my own thoughts, afraid of facing my innermost demons all on my own. And believe me - I had plenty of them. Rather than face them head-on, I chose to drown them out with lots of alcohol and casual relationships that meant nothing, telling myself all the while that this is how I preferred it. I chose to keep people at a distance, because that way they couldn't hurt me. It had become apparent to me that you were always hurt more by those closest to you. Therefore, if I didn't let anyone in, nobody could really hurt me. It worked well - for a while, at least.
Then I met "Slade...." Tall...dark...handsome...ok, handsome doesn't describe him. This man is fine. He is everything I ever dreamed of as a little girl (moreso later as a "not-so-little" girl), and then some. The first night we went out, I spent more time looking into his eyes and hanging on to every word than I did talking about myself (which, for me, is highly unusual! I am, after all, a huge fan.) One of the only things I remember from that night, however, was when he said "I still believe in fairy tales."
I really couldn't tell you why that simple phrase cut me to the core as it did, but I left dinner that night thinking there could be something to this guy.... He seemed to have his head on straight, which was a nice change of pace from some of the other guys I had recently seen. He seemed to have it all...his own business, good looks, snazzy clothes, great sense of humor, sophisticated, good taste in wines.... Something just seemed to click with this one. And before I knew it, we were attached at the hip, going everywhere and doing everything together.
The first three years, as they say, are usually the hardest - and I can attest to this as fact. The toughest part for me was dating a guy who, admittedly, did not want kids, and wasn't the kind of guy you'd normally see participating at a soccer game. Ok, so he wouldn't even go to a soccer game, but you catch my drift. I felt like I was being torn between being there for my daughter, and being there for him. This just wasn't going to work.
Eventually, though, he came around and it ended up working itself out. Once we got to the underlying issues within our relationship - within ourselves - it seemed like everything else just fell into place. The fact was, we had both come from larger families where we both felt utterly neglected and were, in many ways, abused, and we both had self-esteem issues neither of us had properly addressed. The more time we spent together, the more these issues seemed to surface, and there were countless times where I just wanted to give in and say "this isn't worth it!" Yet there was this tiny little voice in the back of my head that kept telling me, "Anything worth keeping is worth working for."
And so we worked at it. And worked at it...then one day I was at another of my breaking points and I just had to leave. In four years, I felt, I hadn't had a single day to myself. Our lives had become so enmeshed, so entangled, that I simply didn't know who I was anymore. I left one day, with every intention of moving out shortly thereafter. I just felt I couldn't do it anymore. I liked who I was - didn't I? I felt it was so important to maintain my own identity, which seemed nearly impossible when I had no time to just be me. Suddenly being single again looked so much more appealing.
I came back the next morning to grab a few things, intending to stay with my girlfriend a little bit longer, when I opened the front door. He met me at the door, tears in his eyes, and held me so tight, begging me just to stay. It was obvious he hadn't slept that night...I immediately broke down and just held him on the stairs. Never in my life had I witnessed anyone being so happy to see me as he was just then.
Suddenly everything we had been through flashed before my eyes - the good times and the bad - and I realized I wasn't the only one struggling to help him through his issues - he had been struggling to do the same with me, only in all fairness, I have to admit he had been doing a damn sight better than I was. I realized then that I had been the one in the wrong, that he had been nothing but patient and understanding with me. I just couldn't see it through my anger.
Now that the walls had come down, we we able to speak more freely, and have been able to ever since (which is kind of important when you get married, so they tell me!) We both realized we had been letting our own egos get in the way of our love for each other. Luckily, we were able to realize this was the problem before we threw our love away.
I realized I had a hard time vocalizing my needs, and he seemed to have a hard time understanding that I was and always had been highly independent. His own issues with past relationships needed to be resolved before we could move on, as did my own deep-seeded fear of being controlled. It has been a tough road, but with open and honest communication, we've been able to get past the darkness and move into the light.
I feel so humbly blessed to have such a strong, pure love in my life, a love that fills me so completely, one that I can feel all around me. My only wish is that everyone could look inward, and avoid the tribulations I put myself and my family through. If only I had spent half as much time "being" with and accepting myself as I did trying to run away from myself....
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